All That Matters…

The first month of the new year is nearly done. The transition between 2010 and 2011 was smoother than most of the past. Rather than feeling as if I need to make major changes, I think the coming year will be about evolution. I’ve reached a state where my focus has become refining what already feels good. The need to “throw it all away and try a different approach” is slowly falling away.

With that said, I’ve entered the year with two major resolutions. I say major because in truth, I have more than just two. However, the others are really just about continuing what is already going well. Keep up my (at the very least) three mornings a week workout routine. Continue self-learning that will help advance my career. Continue to refine how I approach women and dating. The usual. Onward then to the big stuff.

Resolution One: Eliminate Hesitation. Simple in concept, difficult in practice. To elaborate, the idea is to reduce as much as possible second guessing to the point of inaction. Too often, though much less in recent years, I have been presented with an opportunity to act and not taken it. Just this evening, I was in the grocery store picking up a few items I forgot to get yesterday. As I approached the checkout line, the woman ahead of me glanced my way as I walked passed, and again when I settled in behind her. Perhaps she was just curious, or maybe she was interested. Regardless, though I was fully aware of what was happening as it was happening, I didn’t even attempt to establish eye contact. Or maybe throw a smile her way.

Moments later I was loading my items onto the conveyor. Frozen veggies, a block of cheddar, dried oregano, bay leaves, and basil. Soup in a can (beef and potatoes, I’ve been into this lately). Half a dozen eggs. She watched as I placed each item, and I could tell she was probably wondering what kind of diet I must be on. Naturally, the perfect conversation starter crossed my mind (I tend to have a quick wit). ”I know, quite a random selection of groceries, but I think I have all the food groups covered”. Follow it up with a, “I’m just kidding around” smile. Perhaps she would’ve ignored me. Or maybe she would have laughed. Or maybe, just maybe she would have said something judgmental and rude. What happened instead is I had an internal dialog of what could have transpired.

I tell myself that the possibility of a negative outcome does not deter me. And for the most part it’s true. This is proven by the fact that I have many times in the recent past approached women and started conversations with them. The other side of this fact is that I’ve only been able to do this in bars. And after a drink or two. Just enough to loosen the tongue. The funny thing is that there are far more everyday situations that allow for easy conversation starters than one might find in a bar. I just haven’t taken that next step. A part of me believes that when I’m 100% sober, I have a harder time shedding the the remnants of my shy-boy past.

That shy phantom’s lingering sentiment sometimes manifests itself in other areas. Sometimes at work I’ll hesitate to speak my mind, or I will avoid engaging people unnecessarily. Sometimes I avoid eye contact. I have strong introverted tendencies, and they are bound to show up occasionally, but I’m starting feel as though they are getting in the way of further self-improvement, and in the way of being perceived as I desire. This first resolution is about rectifying that. Eliminate hesitation. (All together now) Eliminate, hesitation.

And just what is resolution number two? Far simpler than the first. This year, without exception, I will play all video games on hard difficulty or above. Why? In general, it enriches the experience as it tends to require a higher level of mastery over the mechanics the game developer has established. As a result, making it to the end feels far more rewarding. Somewhat silly and boyish, I know. But I think I’ll have my hands full with number one. I’m allowed to make the second one less profound…

I’m sitting in a park near my mom’s house, with my sister next to me. We’ve just watched a teenager put on the fourth winter tire and rim on the family car. Standing watch over him was his father, or maybe his grand father, guiding his actions with words. Each careful instruction seemingly followed by gentle yet stern encouragement. It’s hard to tell whether the teen welcomes the advice and experience, or if he is dreaming of the hundreds of other teenage things he could be doing with his time. I sense it is the former. The kid seems to understand that wisdom does not grow on trees, and this kind of hands-on learning doesn’t come around everyday. Or perhaps it is just family tradition to respect your elders.

This entry has been a long time coming. I had spent over a year posting on another site of mine, and near the end I began to feel that the reasons for creating and updating that space were no longer as relevant. The mostly black theme didn’t really fit with what’s really going on inside. And so I upgraded to a shade of grey. A somewhat indistict mix of pure black and pure white.

Thinking about the teen and his elder, I’m reminded that I’ve never had the privilege of the father/son, master/apprentice relationship. Not in any lasting way that is. A few times in my life I’ve come admire a few people and allowed myself to be influenced by my observations of them. For the most part, however, my role models have been fictional characters.

So with that in mind, I try to answer the question: what am I made of? If “All that matters is what’s inside”, what then, is inside me? In the four months since my last blog entry, my focus has shifted from understanding the intricacies of dating to the path of my career. Mastery over myself and my interactions with women is still a challenge I enjoy, and is something I continue to refine; I’ve simply expanded the area for self improvement. I’ve seen the roles in which some of my close friends from university have ended up, and it’s dawned on me that that is where our education was ultimately pointing us. We were not simply trained to man the oars, but to be part of the hand that steers the ship. Naturally, that’s where I want to be.

I think the focus of this blog will be the exploration of my rekindled ambition. The fire inside burns bright. It’s time to move forward, rather than simply stay afloat. There are barriers to overcome and likely a lot of learning on my own time to be done. It won’t be easy, but I have to start now.

In the words of one more recent influential fictional characters: Challenge Accepted.

All That Matters…

Is What's Inside

I Still Have Room To Grow

What’s Inside